Tom Naughton

Riiiiing.

Riiiiing. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Son.  Glad I caught you at home.”

“Hey, Dad!  How’s it going?”

“Well, it was tough for awhile, but things are great now, thanks to me.  I enacted my own stimulus package, and it’s working wonders around the neighborhood.”

“Stimulus package?  What are you talking about?”

“You know … stimulus.  I’m pumping an extra $50,000 into the local economy.”

 “Geez!  I didn’t know you had that much cash sitting around.”

“Don’t be silly.  I opened a new credit-card account in your name.”

“What?!”

“Now, don’t try to thank me.  This is what wise fathers do.”

 “You took out a credit-card in my name? You can’t do that!”

“Sure I can.  I’ve got your name, address, social security-”

“But you didn’t even ask me first!”

“I had to act quickly, Son.  Our new leaders made it crystal clear that if I didn’t act right now, the entire economy could crash.  Times like these call for bold, immediate action.  Plus the big-screen TV was only on sale for a couple more days.”

“Wait a minute!  Your definition of a stimulus package is to run out and buy something you’ve always wanted and then stick me with the bill?”

“Good lord, no.  I’m saving jobs and then sticking with you with the bill.  And believe me, it’s working.  The guy who sold me the TV was so grateful, he didn’t even pitch the extended warranty.”

“Now, hold on a second, that’s just-”

“My popularity in the neighborhood is off the charts.  I’m seriously considering running for city council.”

“I can’t believe you did this.  We’ve been saving to buy a house.  You’re the one who told me it’s foolish to pay rent month after month, and now-”

“For Pete’s sake, Son, don’t buy a house!  That’s what got me into this mess.  See, I bought a two-bedroom house I could actually afford, so I had some money left over.  But our leaders in Washington convinced me that wasn’t fair, so I bailed out this guy down the street who bought a four-bedroom house at a teaser rate and couldn’t handle the balloon payments.  Did my heart good to see him take down that FOR SALE sign.  I expect him to say thank-you any day now.”

“You’re telling me you gave money to a moron?”

“No, I think he sells insurance.  Plus I gave a few bucks to my banker, my broker, and the guy who runs the local GM dealership.  I’m saving a lot of jobs, here, Son.  In fact, I even created a brand-new job for a global-warming researcher.”

“There’s already six billion dollars per year spent on global-warming research!  What good is one more researcher supposed to do?!”

“Son, you’re not grasping the economics here.  It’s all about the new jobs.  A couple of weeks ago, this poor sap was unemployed.  Now he steps outside every day and decides whether or not it feels warmer to him than it did when he was a kid.  Then he writes up a report, and I give him a few thousand dollars.  Then he uses that money to buy some new appliances from Sears so they can afford to hire another salesman.”

“Then why don’t you just give the money to Sears?”

“Good grief, Son, I thought you were smart.  If I do that, I only create one job.  This way, I’m actually creating two jobs.  It’s called the ‘multiplier’ effect.  FDR knew all about it.  That’s how all those New Deal programs lifted us out the Depression.”

“Now, waaaaait a minute!  You’ve told me more times than I can count that FDR started all those spending programs in 1933, and we were still in the Depression ten years later, long after a lot of industrial countries were back in full recovery.  If anything, all that federal spending prolonged the problem.”

“Well, that’s what I used to think, but our new leaders convinced me that being in debt is the key to prosperity.  I mean, look at what happened after the war.  Talk about a boom.”

“Of course there was a boom!  All of our competition had been blown to bits!”

“Yeah, I thought about that.  But the gun control laws out here are pretty strict.”

“So let me get this straight.  You now believe that massive spending on credit is good for the economy.”

“Of course I do.  All the smart people say so.  Heeeey, I’m going to have to re-think all those billions Bush gave to Halliburton.  Turns out he was probably stimulating the economy the whole time.”

“Okay, Dad, let me try explaining what’s wrong with this theory:  you’re going to run up my credit-card bill so you can give money to your banker, your broker, the GM dealer, the global warming guy, not to mention the moron who bought the house he couldn’t afford, and that’s going to save a lot of jobs.”

“Multiplier effect, yes.”

“But when I have to pay off the credit card, that’s money I won’t be able to spend.  I won’t buy able to buy a house, or a car, or a big-screen TV, so I won’t be supporting the people who work in those industries.  You’re just making things better for yourself now by making things worse for my generation a few years from now.”

“Well, no, it’s … see … we have to save the economy right now because … uh … hey, listen, it sounds like you’re on your cell phone, and I don’t want run use up your minutes.  You’re going to have some big bills to pay, kid.  Love you.  Bye.”

I got married relatively late in life, and now I have two little girls.  As a parent, you look forward to passing on all your accumulated wisdom to your children. It’s a little early for that, but in the meantime, I’ve learned quite a few lessons from them. Here are a few samples:

• If something is delicious, eat it without hesitation or guilt – and don’t assume anything isn’t delicious until you’ve plucked it from the floor and tasted it.
• If you’re bored, don’t sit around and mope … re-arrange your environment! You can start by dumping all the books on the floor, which will encourage you to begin that alphabetizing project you’ve been putting off.
• After a good nap, things that upset you a couple of hours ago won’t seem so bad.
• Don’t take glorious sights like a full moon for granted just because they’re common. Bounce up and down, point to it and yell, “Moon! Moon! Moon!” This will help others appreciate it as well.
• Chewing on a box of food is almost as much fun as eating the real thing, especially if there’s a picture on it. Cardboard is a low-carbohydrate food, plus you’ll burn a few calories gnawing on it.
• If you try over and over and over, you’ll go places and get your hands on things the bigger and smarter people swore you couldn’t.
• When you get hurt, cry with gusto for about two minutes, then forget the whole thing and move on to something else.
•  Anything in your environment can be a toy if you decide it is. Boxes, paper towels, shoe strings, feminine napkins, entire rolls of toilet paper – they can all provide hours of entertainment with a little imagination. (And if you’re relatively dexterous, you can stick the napkins to your chin and tell people you’re growing a beard.
• When you talk about the people you love, focus on the positive. For example, “I like leaning on Daddy’s belly, because it’s big and soft like a pillow.”
•  When you hear a song you like, wave your arms, stomp your feet, and shake your booty with abandon. If other people laugh at you, that’s their problem.
•  When you’re hurt, the people who really love you will hug and kiss you, even if you don’t smell very good at the time.
•  If no one’s kissed you lately – even though you smell fabulous – you can always kiss your reflection in the mirror. You can also talk to the mirror when other people don’t understand what you’re saying.
•  If the people you live with are always hogging the remote, hide it from them. Under the sofa is a good spot.
•  If you spread a few cashews around when you have more than you need, they’ll turn up later in unexpected places, and this will make you happy.
•  When you give advice, use clear examples. If your little sister is chewing on her hair, you could say something like, “Don’t chew on your hair! You’ll go bald like Daddy!”
•  A fancy vocabulary is overrated. A short sentence with simple words can often say everything that needs saying.
•  Whenever you try something new, there’s a good chance you’ll fall down and bump your head. But even a baby knows that’s no reason to quit.